I occasionally catch myself saying, "I want my life back."
The life I was living in Oregon? With their father? Feeling constantly lonely and unloved?
Shit.
What I really want back are my dreams. Living in the country, having animals, a small family farm... I don't feel like those dreams are attainable anymore. At least not for a while. I keep trying to imagine doing that here... where?
HEY GIRL... stop living in the past, and the future. Live here, now.
Get up and go clean, and play with the kids. NOW... GO!
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
In therapy
I've been seeing a therapist for a few weeks. We're just now getting to actually talking about my past, and my present... and even a little about my future.
We decided together that the most important thing to focus on is my independence.
I found a trailer park in Santa Ana that rents out vintage trailers. It's fucking precious. Santa Ana isn't the greatest area... but I don't care. It's not Eugene.. and it's not my mom's house. The trailers are cute as fuck... me+vintage=happy. They even have little (tiny) yards. There is a park very very close and it's on a bike path. I'm not going to move out until next year, but this place is a prospect to me... it's cheap and it's small. Exactly what I want.
In order to keep my sanity, I've started doing things I love to do.
I planted a garden!
A tomato plant, chard, snow peas, cilantro, basil, rosemary, thyme... I will expand as often as possible!
I want to re-do the whole back yard... I'm going to make it easy to maintain for my parents.. right now all that is back there is an old BBQ, an orange tree and a key lime tree.. no grass, just dirt.. I want to put a bunch of stepping stones in, and some ground cover.. I don't think I'll put any grass back there though. I just did a little research. I'm going to do a clover lawn. :)
I'm doing well in school!
I have a B in my Anthro class and an A in my Geography class. I find it hard to focus in my Anthro class, but I'm trying! I honestly can't wait for next semester...
Fuck, I can't wait until the YEAR is over.. I have a lot of anxiety about the end of this year and how people are going to react. Living in a very populated area is really worrying me. I really need to start stock piling food and water, and pack some emergency bags.
This will help me feel better.
My boyfriend rocks... and so does Juniper. She's so preggers, and it's adorable!
We decided together that the most important thing to focus on is my independence.
I found a trailer park in Santa Ana that rents out vintage trailers. It's fucking precious. Santa Ana isn't the greatest area... but I don't care. It's not Eugene.. and it's not my mom's house. The trailers are cute as fuck... me+vintage=happy. They even have little (tiny) yards. There is a park very very close and it's on a bike path. I'm not going to move out until next year, but this place is a prospect to me... it's cheap and it's small. Exactly what I want.
In order to keep my sanity, I've started doing things I love to do.
I planted a garden!
A tomato plant, chard, snow peas, cilantro, basil, rosemary, thyme... I will expand as often as possible!
I want to re-do the whole back yard... I'm going to make it easy to maintain for my parents.. right now all that is back there is an old BBQ, an orange tree and a key lime tree.. no grass, just dirt.. I want to put a bunch of stepping stones in, and some ground cover.. I don't think I'll put any grass back there though. I just did a little research. I'm going to do a clover lawn. :)
I'm doing well in school!
I have a B in my Anthro class and an A in my Geography class. I find it hard to focus in my Anthro class, but I'm trying! I honestly can't wait for next semester...
Fuck, I can't wait until the YEAR is over.. I have a lot of anxiety about the end of this year and how people are going to react. Living in a very populated area is really worrying me. I really need to start stock piling food and water, and pack some emergency bags.
This will help me feel better.
My boyfriend rocks... and so does Juniper. She's so preggers, and it's adorable!
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Did I really choose to be here?
I moved back home not too long ago. My choices to move home were "out of my control." I say this with quotation marks because I know as well as anyone else that nothing is really "out of my control."
I could go in to great detail as to where I was, what I learned and why I moved home, but I'm not sure if I want to. After all, this is pretty much just for me.. and I know all of those things. Maybe if I someday get some readers and someone becomes curious about those things I can share.
Not now.
For now I want to open up and say that I am having a hard time with my choices. I want so badly to be able to say "no regrets." This isn't in my heart. I do regret, but on a strange scale. Double sided.. I'm a Gemini.
I don't know if I truly believe anything.
I always feel like there is never a wrong or right.
I live in a grey scale.
It's not easy for me.
It's not hard either.
Neutral for life? I hope not..
I say things, I do things... but I don't always feel comfortable with them.. or the alternatives.
Example: The amount of waste I produce and the amount of products I consume. I have guilt!! Lots and lots of guilt.. because I know how to do things differently, and I did so for YEARS, but being home again has allowed me to return to the way things were before I knew better.
Why have I made that choice?
A few reasons;
It's easier to use paper products (diapers, plates, towels, napkins.) When I was living alone (or with roommates, partners...etc.) I was cloth diapering, using cloth towels, wipes... etc.
I don't feel like listening to my mother tell me how "I constantly make things hard for myself."
In reality, I enjoy doing things the hard way.. or "the old fashioned way." My mother does NOT, and I would go ahead and accuse her of being lazy. I don't like feeling lazy.
There are many other examples of things I have reverted back to doing since moving home.. there are also things that I'm doing that I would consider a step-up! Those things make me feel good... but I'm not getting the acknowledgement I need from those around me to REALLY feel amazing. (except my boyfriend)
These things include GOING BACK TO SCHOOL! HOORAY! (this is a LOOONG process and I hope to GOD I don't fail..)
I want SO badly to move out on my own.. to be my own person again. I have only been home... 4 months, and I'm already feeling anxious about not being able be myself without my "parents" (mom and step-dad) picking at me to do things their way.
Why did I move back?! What was I thinking?
I needed love, attention, nurturing... and I am getting those things from my boyfriend... but not from the people (my parents) I am living with. Maybe the love part, but it's not how I imagined it to be when I jumped on the idea to move home. I forgot that my mom loves (and nurtures) very differently that I do.. and that it's hard for me to accept her forms of love (gifts..) I have a hard time seeing her love in other forms and I try hard to show her my love in my forms.. (touch, words, acts of gratitude)
My mom is basically supporting me financially, but she has no clue as to how to support me emotionally or verbally. I rarely get a thank you, or a "high-five" unless I "jump up and down" in front of her all but verbally begging her for attention.
Why don't I move in with my boyfriend?
I have 2 kids, they aren't his... he lives with his brother.. we've only been seeing each other for 4 months... etc. etc. It's not the time.
Why don't I move out on my own with my kids?
Rent for a studio around here is $1000, for a 2bed.. 1300... etc. I can't afford that. ( I would rather be in school full time and see my kids at the end of that than work as well.. my children are young and need their mom... if they had their dad I might choose differently, but we don't have him (can't have him.. he's vacant) So I chose to have my mom (who is also vacant) and I don't want a vacant person raising my kids.
What about the rest of my family? My brother C and I get along as long as I agree with everything he says (he gets this from my mother) My brother D is in jail... again.
My father is an alcoholic and (former?) meth user... He has been either living in bushes, on my brother C's couch or in a shack in Mexico for the past 10(?) years.. Not only that but my dad is vacant, hysterical and lives in a fantasy world where everyone is against him, and he is better than everyone else.
I don't have grandparents, nor do I have aunts/uncles that I can accept help from..
What about the father of my children?
Our relationship fell apart. I can be to blame for this, but only because of my "non-action." I allowed him to walk all over me.. I allowed him to be vacant and I allowed him to be... a lot like my father.
My "daddy issues" allowed me to be with a man like this.
My boyfriend is nothing like my dad. (except they share the same career.. though my boyfriend is way better)
My boyfriend is an amazing man. He works hard (40-50 h/wk.) He loves hard, plays hard, smiles large and doesn't take shit from anyone.. especially himself. He is honest, true, real.. and super sexy! He loves my kids, and constantly goes out of his way for others. He has no substance abuse problems, no history of abuse in his family.. his family is supportive and just as honest as he is. He is a real person. A REAL MAN. He is exactly how all of us should be.
He is exactly what I've been wanting in a man.
I have never ever loved anyone as much as I love him.
I am willing to wait for him... I just hope to not go crazy, or lose myself in the mean time.
I want to feel as if I have nothing to complain about.. and I will get there.
I could go in to great detail as to where I was, what I learned and why I moved home, but I'm not sure if I want to. After all, this is pretty much just for me.. and I know all of those things. Maybe if I someday get some readers and someone becomes curious about those things I can share.
Not now.
For now I want to open up and say that I am having a hard time with my choices. I want so badly to be able to say "no regrets." This isn't in my heart. I do regret, but on a strange scale. Double sided.. I'm a Gemini.
I don't know if I truly believe anything.
I always feel like there is never a wrong or right.
I live in a grey scale.
It's not easy for me.
It's not hard either.
Neutral for life? I hope not..
I say things, I do things... but I don't always feel comfortable with them.. or the alternatives.
Example: The amount of waste I produce and the amount of products I consume. I have guilt!! Lots and lots of guilt.. because I know how to do things differently, and I did so for YEARS, but being home again has allowed me to return to the way things were before I knew better.
Why have I made that choice?
A few reasons;
It's easier to use paper products (diapers, plates, towels, napkins.) When I was living alone (or with roommates, partners...etc.) I was cloth diapering, using cloth towels, wipes... etc.
I don't feel like listening to my mother tell me how "I constantly make things hard for myself."
In reality, I enjoy doing things the hard way.. or "the old fashioned way." My mother does NOT, and I would go ahead and accuse her of being lazy. I don't like feeling lazy.
There are many other examples of things I have reverted back to doing since moving home.. there are also things that I'm doing that I would consider a step-up! Those things make me feel good... but I'm not getting the acknowledgement I need from those around me to REALLY feel amazing. (except my boyfriend)
These things include GOING BACK TO SCHOOL! HOORAY! (this is a LOOONG process and I hope to GOD I don't fail..)
I want SO badly to move out on my own.. to be my own person again. I have only been home... 4 months, and I'm already feeling anxious about not being able be myself without my "parents" (mom and step-dad) picking at me to do things their way.
Why did I move back?! What was I thinking?
I needed love, attention, nurturing... and I am getting those things from my boyfriend... but not from the people (my parents) I am living with. Maybe the love part, but it's not how I imagined it to be when I jumped on the idea to move home. I forgot that my mom loves (and nurtures) very differently that I do.. and that it's hard for me to accept her forms of love (gifts..) I have a hard time seeing her love in other forms and I try hard to show her my love in my forms.. (touch, words, acts of gratitude)
My mom is basically supporting me financially, but she has no clue as to how to support me emotionally or verbally. I rarely get a thank you, or a "high-five" unless I "jump up and down" in front of her all but verbally begging her for attention.
Why don't I move in with my boyfriend?
I have 2 kids, they aren't his... he lives with his brother.. we've only been seeing each other for 4 months... etc. etc. It's not the time.
Why don't I move out on my own with my kids?
Rent for a studio around here is $1000, for a 2bed.. 1300... etc. I can't afford that. ( I would rather be in school full time and see my kids at the end of that than work as well.. my children are young and need their mom... if they had their dad I might choose differently, but we don't have him (can't have him.. he's vacant) So I chose to have my mom (who is also vacant) and I don't want a vacant person raising my kids.
What about the rest of my family? My brother C and I get along as long as I agree with everything he says (he gets this from my mother) My brother D is in jail... again.
My father is an alcoholic and (former?) meth user... He has been either living in bushes, on my brother C's couch or in a shack in Mexico for the past 10(?) years.. Not only that but my dad is vacant, hysterical and lives in a fantasy world where everyone is against him, and he is better than everyone else.
I don't have grandparents, nor do I have aunts/uncles that I can accept help from..
What about the father of my children?
Our relationship fell apart. I can be to blame for this, but only because of my "non-action." I allowed him to walk all over me.. I allowed him to be vacant and I allowed him to be... a lot like my father.
My "daddy issues" allowed me to be with a man like this.
My boyfriend is nothing like my dad. (except they share the same career.. though my boyfriend is way better)
My boyfriend is an amazing man. He works hard (40-50 h/wk.) He loves hard, plays hard, smiles large and doesn't take shit from anyone.. especially himself. He is honest, true, real.. and super sexy! He loves my kids, and constantly goes out of his way for others. He has no substance abuse problems, no history of abuse in his family.. his family is supportive and just as honest as he is. He is a real person. A REAL MAN. He is exactly how all of us should be.
He is exactly what I've been wanting in a man.
I have never ever loved anyone as much as I love him.
I am willing to wait for him... I just hope to not go crazy, or lose myself in the mean time.
I want to feel as if I have nothing to complain about.. and I will get there.
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